Annah's beautiful smelling REAL paper journal- (05.02.06)
"God isn't going to let you see the distant scene. So you might as well quit looking for it. He promises a lamp unto our feet, not a crystal ball into the future. We do not need to know what will happen tomorrow. We only need to know that He leads." -Max Lucado It's 1:47am right now. I have to leave for work at 9. Tomorrow i work all day and then plan on spending the evening putting the finishing touches on my debate speech on stem-cell research. My room smells like coffee still. and i gave up on sleeping anytime soon. I couldn't stop worrying. Mostly about money, but everything else too. It was so frustrating. I pictured my life in 3-4 years- not being able to live on my own, my little car dying, student loans piled up that i can't repay, an expensive degree that isn't helping my situation. Then it switched into scared-worry mode. People are following me. What if my car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and a guy takes me, rapes me, kills me, and buries me? As all of these rediculous thoughts are running through my head, another one interrupts them. "Protector and Provider" over and over again. Then, it was verse after verse. Philippians 4:6-7 (Be anxious for nothing), Matthew 6:31 (Don't worry about having enough food or drink or clothing? you're heavenly Father already knows all your needs...), and Proverbs 3:5-6 (Trust in the Lord with all of your heart...).
I was SO relieved to have been given this reminder. I began to think that I could only rely on MY abilities...and realize that it wasn't going to work. wow. God is so incredible to me. He will give me the wisdom I need for decisions. He will hold me when I start to worry. Thank you so much my amazing protector and provider! I love you with all of my life. Take all of me. Every breath I want to use to bring you glory.
i love this song lately:
I don't mind if you've got something nice
to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your
name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy
Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do
or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and
faithful one...
Oh life. i'm so up and down when it comes to change. it's so hard and scary and heartbreaking....but so good and growing!
I've been thinking ALL week about this one guy i met for like 5 minutes. It was over a year ago. I'll tell you the story....
I was working at ChitChat Coffeehouse in the metropolis of Cloquet, Minnesota. and it was really cold outside. possibly in the negatives. I was working alone....on a Tuesday morning. and this middle aged man came in. He was from...hmm possibly Iran. He had a pretty strong accent and I had a hard time understanding anything he said. I eventually concluded that he wanted a double shot of espresso. So i made him his espresso and served it to him in our tiny porceline cups. He sat an a stool at the coffee bar, so i started talking to him. I asked him how he was doing. He started to tell me that his wife had just been diagnosed with a disease and had a week to live. He was crying....and i had no idea what to say. this grown man was crying all over my coffee counter and my heart broke. I apologized and just watched him cry. He quickly drank his remaining espresso and left.
a few weeks later he returned for the same drink. He sat on the same stool and I asked him the same question. This time he instantly broke down and as if he wasn't already hard enough to understand...he was trying to talk through his sobs. I soon realized that his wife had died. I tried to console him, but what do you say to a man in that position?! He left quite quickly again...and I thought about him for a week straight.
I forgot all about the whole thing until just lately. I don't know why, but i cannot get that man out of my head. I know i had that experience for a reason. I'm still trying to recognize why. I wish that there was more I could have told him. hmm. i don't know.
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